Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
