he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
