you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
