My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
