You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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