Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
