yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
