I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
