alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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