just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
