I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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