just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
