yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
