Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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