Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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