You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
