Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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