awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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