I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
