A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
