It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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