also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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