so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
