There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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