Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
