on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
