he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
