I can tuck mytits in my pants
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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