The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
