At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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