As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
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