i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
