fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
