Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
