that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You dont lie about slip and slides
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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