I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
its liver damage thursday
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
