Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
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