dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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