i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
