Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
