If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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