I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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