I skipped work to stalk him.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We had to coat check the pizza.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
When are your genitals available?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
