I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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