So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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