So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
