I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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