i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Are we still banned from the library?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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