Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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