i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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