Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
