My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
