I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
