Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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