I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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