why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
