If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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